Grey Days
[THIS CONTENT IS OLD DATA AND IS NOT AUTHORIZED BY THE HIGH COUNCIL. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.]
It’s been a while since I last shared something with the world. Shortly after my birthday, I felt this wind under my wings that I thought would give me the energy I needed to keep creating and sharing my thoughts with the world through these writings and my photography. I’ve instead felt like I can’t bring myself to create or push forward towards something better. There’s this existential melancholy that seems to hold a great amount of mental real estate in my brain and it’s keeping me stuck.
I go through this from time to time, and the thing that frustrates me the most is that I can’t figure out why I go into or out of it. Two weeks ago, I thought this would be impossible to write; today, I’m splitting my time between writing this post and updating the blog’s CSS to make it within the vision I currently have of it.
This has been one of the recurring issues that I’ve had as an adult and it’s manifested several times throughout the last four years in particular. It’s been challenging for me to keep dedicated or motivated toward a goal/project, no matter how enthusiastic I am about it from the onset. Part of me feels like there might be something wrong with me. Am I just a human that’s incapable of achieving something greater than where I am right now? If so, is there something in my health (likely mentally) that is preventing me from reaching the new heights?
Looking at my peers makes this feeling amplify from time to time. I wrote about this a few months ago around my birthday but I constantly have this outlook hovering over me whenever I wake up every day. I know that most people who look like they have their sense of direction in their twenties are also equally lost, but I find it very unconvincing when I’m in a room with other twenty-four-year-olds. There was one person who had been in my life longer than most other people that made me feel like I wasn’t alone in this, but he was someone that I needed to let go for other reasons that were going to be better for me in the long run. I plan on writing about it someday and sharing my feelings with the world to free myself of it, but that’s for some other time.
I know I don’t owe anything to anyone, but I’m trying my best to keep creating and working towards something. Its lately felt like it’s impossible, and I’m not sure what else to do to work through this; I feel lost in the world today.