Creative Cooldown
[THIS CONTENT IS OLD DATA AND IS NOT AUTHORIZED BY THE HIGH COUNCIL. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.]
It's been nearly one month since I last wrote anything to the blog. In that time, I had a lot of things I wanted to share with people online with both my photography and some stories/insight earned from my travels. However, all of this was put to the side due to what I've been referring to as my, "Creative Cooldown."
I seem to operate on a sporadic basis when it comes to being creative and letting something out into the world. I have all of this energy built up and really push myself forward for a few weeks to maybe a month or two at a time; then, I'll inevitably hit my wall and fall flat on my face. Right now, I'm creatively on my face as I type this.
This is a multi-faceted problem I'm come to realize. Part of this is my extreme capability to pick apart something that I've created and deem it not worthy of being shown to others, letting it sit on my hard drive or in my room somewhere in the corner. I'm not really sure what I should do to combat this, but someone I knew from an old class once told me the only way to get over it was to, "just release it." I know that Evan is correct considering he and his bandmates have released two projects now, but man does it hurt to risk it and share your creations.
Another aspect of this (which isn't even necessarily bad per se) is that when I am in the process of working on something and nearing the end of it, I'll have another idea come along that is either A.) an extension of said idea, putting it further off, or B.) something else entirely that seems more interesting to make than what I'm finishing at the moment. A is, to me, not nearly as damaging as B (and I do think some of my better ideas I've had have come from this), but both are a cork in the flow of the creative process.
And sadly, the largest of these issues are problems with my mental well-being and/or my identity as myself. For the last four or so years, I've faced several on-and-off depressive episodes that tend to derail aspects of my life. This usually manifests in the form of self-sabotage, where I know in my heart these are the things I want to be investing in but can't seem to find the energy to devote to them. A lot of introspection has lead me to the awareness of the subject that I'm at currently, but am still ultimately doing the work to get through it. A portion of this process has been admitting to myself that I am currently not doing well and accepting that I have to take action to better myself so I can do the things I love to do. It's been really hard and I've had some really hard conversations in the past few months, but I can honestly say that I've made some decent progress.
With all of that being said, I do still feel as if the engine was definitely overheated and is still cooling down. I've been sleeping a lot more (whenever I can due to medical complications) and finding myself enjoying things like video games again lately. But at the same time, I feel myself itching to create and wanting to make something, so I do think this will change soon. I dropped off two rolls of film at the lab today, which will hopefully let me complete an extended idea once I get those back within a week or two.
I'm okay! I am glad that I feel I can be candid and honest about my well-being, and can also say that despite the negative emotions/trends that I'm still hanging in there. I'm moving closer to what I want to be doing and getting back on track, even if things are getting harder lately. Maybe this post will be the spark to ignite the engine and get things going again. Small steps.